She Was My World, but We Couldn’t Marry

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/03/16/style/modern-love-she-was-my-world-but-we-couldnt-marry.html

by vincentbarr • 8 years ago

91 17 8 years ago

nytimes.com

mankash666• 8 years ago

About the protagonist - http://m.legacy.com/obituaries/nytimes/obituary.aspx?n=ari-j...

pmarreck• 8 years ago

oh jesus, I missed that italicized bit at the end so opening this was like a kick in the stomach

Sukotto• 8 years ago

Interesting to compare/contrast this story with Richard Feynman's first marriage.

Here author Ari Diaconis chooses NOT to marry Dunia Rkein due to his illness, uncertain survival prospect, and not wanting to burden her with his long-term care (if he survived)

Compare to Feynman, who married Arline Greenbaum despite the fact that she had severe tuberculosis and only a slim chance to survive.

Similar, but different. (Of course)

I wonder, is it better to never marry, or to lose the spouse shortly afterward? Is it easier or harder depending on the gender of the survivor (in our era, not the 1940s)?

tajen• 8 years ago

Depends if you’d give them your inheritance.

icc97• 8 years ago

I think you're close to the point - but I don't think it's about money.

If you love someone and they're dying, being married to them especially in the 40s makes things a lot easier for handling their affairs both before and after they die.

There's so many laws even now that aren't fixed to handle when people aren't married.

Simon_says5• 8 years ago

Not to mention Tuberculosis is transmissible when Ari's ailment presumably was not.

tekklloneer• 8 years ago

As someone with long term health conditions, it hangs in the back of your mind. I'm fortunate enough not to have to call mine "chronic", and I may (probably will) be blessed by the results of research from over a decade...

But it haunts me in every relationship I have, even if it's irrational.

Gatsky• 8 years ago

Worth reading all the way to the very end.

Life is short.

Simon_says5• 8 years ago

I couldn't figure out why they couldn't marry. Choose not to, maybe, but "couldn't"?

kaptain• 8 years ago

From the article:

We would be married but for my condition, which has placed a question mark at the end of nearly everything. Will experimental treatments eventually fix me? Can I contribute to a family? Is it fair to ask that Dunia sustain a lifetime of my poor health?

Simon_says5• 8 years ago

I should have clarified. I read the article, including that quote. That sounds like a choice to me. Other people, such as Arline Greenbaum, in similar circumstances make different choices. Two gay men Saudi Arabian men "can't" marry.

jmcgough• 8 years ago

Also to keep in mind is that she'd be on the hook for his medical bills if they wed.

Simon_says5• 8 years ago

That just makes it a financially sound choice.

rickyc091• 8 years ago

Looks like this really depends on the state and the contract. In this case, they were both in New York and it looks like under law she might have to pay his bills after he deceased.

tallanvor• 8 years ago

In the US, medical issues can bankrupt people, even if they have insurance. If the couple married, his wife's income would be fair game to the hospitals and insurance companies.

I know a distant relative in the Midwest who's wife had a stroke. After about a year they made the difficult decision to get divorced because the aftercare was ruining them financially (she couldn't live at home). By divorcing, she became eligible for federal assistance, allowing her husband to keep a house over their children's heads.

This is the reality of healthcare in the US.

Simon_says5• 8 years ago

Did your relatives make a choice to get divorced?

She Was My World, but We Couldn’t Marry

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