My Fully Optimized Life Allows Me Ample Time to Optimize Yours

https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/my-fully-optimized-life-allows-me-ample-time-to-optimize-yours

by r0m4n0 • 9 years ago

54 17 9 years ago

hgdsraj3• 9 years ago

Sounds aweful, the absolute worst. Wow

hgdsraj3• 9 years ago

I don't get it seriously, this lady has too much money, only helps herself and others who fund her addiction to premium and unnecessary products. She has a highly inneficient life basically focused on fads and things sold to people as scams. She and her husband don't communicate enough. She has a psychological condition that allows her to feel empowered and with this inneficiency. She convinces others with unusual amounts of money in a cult like fashion to buy her product. She continues to profit, and she brags about this pyramid scheme that she isn't even at the top of.

mattkrause• 9 years ago

(Psst...it's satire!)

hgdsraj3• 9 years ago

Gosh thanks I was blown away

iamacynic• 9 years ago

this kind of satire is actually very common (they're just making fun of a entire subculture by condensing as much of it as possible into a single extremely over-the-top person), but mcsweeney's always takes it to the next level.

throwayedidqo• 9 years ago

This is great. I've got some relatives that love this garbage and there's things in here I hadn't heard about. I can picture the author being totally surrounded by this shit :)

titanomachy• 9 years ago

My favourite line:

After years of research, I have engineered the most efficient possible workout, which is a single, 100-pound kettlebell swing, followed by four and a half minutes of foam rolling.

jeppebemad• 9 years ago

So many great quotes in there

To make cleanup more efficient, I have seven Vitamix blender pitchers, which I clean all at once on Sunday evenings. Best $1200 I’ve ever spent. So much time saved.
We have also adapted our own version of the Nonviolent Communication protocol, which allows us to express all of our needs, feelings, fears, and experiences from the day in a loving exchange of five sentences each. (To learn more, check out my husband’s wonderful book, The Four Hour Relationship.)

Edit: hard to single out the best among many!

grkvlt• 9 years ago

So, I just looked up 'Tibetan singing bowl alarm clocks', 'alternate nostril breathing', 'gratitude journaling', 'bulletproof coffee' and 'intermittent fasting'; and they are all apparently real things...

Heraclite• 9 years ago

I'm surprised so many people are missing the satire here.

Very funny article. In a modern world focused on the self, this is what you eventually get. Our lives are too comfortable.

Cpoll3• 9 years ago

It should have been obvious when there was no link for the ebook.

which keeps me in ketosis until I break my intermittent fast

Also ruined the suspension of disbelief. I don't think you can enter and exit ketosis daily, in under 24hrs.

cardiffspaceman2• 9 years ago

This is the 12-parsec problem. Jokes that work within the reality of their subject matter work. Jokes that have to go however slightly out of the reality of their subject matter to work, never work for the people you would think would most like them. Star Wars was cooking along making all its little references to Flash Gordon and so forth and then along comes this line of dialog that was not even meant as humor, whose only obvious reading is a complete misuse of the word "parsec" [1]. Which practically the whole audience had a problem with. (I want to say "literally the whole audience" and this here is how I'm trying to get away with it)

I have only once successfully told a joke to a medical professional that had to do with medicine. I make a lot of jokes that are meant as satires of ignorance, and that audience always just wants to correct the ignorance (which is a good thing).

[1] The line is technically using the word correctly but you have to know 40 years of Star Wars lore to know why.

eli_gottlieb• 9 years ago

You know what they say: if you're missing the joke, you probably are the joke.

My Fully Optimized Life Allows Me Ample Time to Optimize Yours

Related Stories